


The Misadventures of Stan and Craig: The Big Homosexual Journey in Surprise Brotherhood

by UmbrielBrechen



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - Twins, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-05 00:58:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14032656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmbrielBrechen/pseuds/UmbrielBrechen
Summary: Everyone knows Stan Marsh and Craig Tucker. One's the high school jock and the other's the high school bad boy. Both have black hair, blue eyes, and stand at the same Six foot five and three quarters. Both have the same bone structure and nearly the same hairstyle. Both are gay and are dating twinks. But if there's one thing everyone knows about the two boys, is that they will do anything to avoid each other's asses.But one morning, they wake up to a sticky situation............“You know Sharon, I knew we shouldn’t have had twins.”“Randy! What the hell, you can’t just say that in front of your own sons!”





	1. The Best Part of Waking up, is Tricia in your Face

**Author's Note:**

> I really need to stop making fanfiction because I'm already writing like three, but I need to get these ideas out because I need to focus on school lol.

_ Chapter 1 _

**_Kindergarten_ **

_ Stan holds his lunchbox with both of his hands in front of him in nervousness. He stares at all the other kids in fear and shyness, not willing to move a muscle, only choosing to stay a put near the door for an easy escape if worst comes to worst. Another boy notices this, and walks over to him.  _

 

_ “Hi!” He says. Stan stares in awe over his big red curls. The boy takes note of this, and sighs in exasperation. He puts a large green hat over his head, and he smiles at Stan. “I’m Kyle! What’s your name?” _

 

_ “S- Stanley.” _

 

_ “Stanley? That’s kinda gay. I’m calling you Stan! Want to sit with me Stan?” The young raven haired boy smiles at Kyle, and the boy with the green hat takes his hand and leads him to his table.  _

 

_ Over to the other side of the classroom, another boy with a remarkable resemblance to Stan stares down on a twitching blonde.  _

 

_ “Are you high? That’s what my mom gets when she’s really stressed out.” He says with a blank expression.  _

 

_ “Gah! Why are you so scary?!” The blonde boy says.  _

 

_ “This is how I always look.”  _

 

_ “Gah!” Over to Craig’s left, two boys named Clyde, the chubby one, and Token, the black one, joins them at their table.  _

 

_ “I’m Clyde!” The chubby one says with a big, goofy grin. “What’s your guys’s names?” _

 

_ “Craig.” _

 

_ “Gah!” _

 

_ “That’s a cool name Gah!” Craig shakes his head at Clyde’s stupidity. _

 

_ “He won’t tell me his name. GAH is not a name.”  _

 

_ “Well you never know!” _

 

_ “I know that for a fact. You’re stupid for thinking that.” Clyde’s eyes start watering immensely, and his mouth drops open as tears and drool drips from his face.  _

 

_ “I’M NOT STUPID! YOU’RE MEAN WAAHAA!!!” Token stares at Clyde in confusion  _

 

_ “AAH!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!” _

 

_ “WAA!!!” _

 

_ “AAH!!!”   The teacher looks up from her bottle of Jack Daniels, and rolls her eyes and continues to read her magazine. Token stares at Clyde in confusion, and rummages through his backpack. He grabs a chocolate bar at the very bottom of it. Token taps Clyde on the shoulder, and the cry baby wipes his eyes clear of tears. Token hands the chocolate bar to Clyde with a genuine smile.  _

 

_ “Here!” He says, “That guy’s a jerk. Would you be happier if you eat some chocolate?” Clyde stops crying and starts whimpering instead. He looks at Token through his clouded vision and looks down at the chocolate bar. “It’s from a really far away place. I think it’s Puhwooo?” Craig raises his eyebrow at Token’s pronunciation, but stops judging and reverts his attention to the screaming blonde.  _

 

_ “Shh, it’s ok, everything will be alright.”  _

 

_ “B- b- but I don’t know you people!” _

 

_ “I’m Craig.” _

 

_ “Gah! My name’s Tweek!” _

 

_ “Tweek.” _

 

_ “Gah!” _

 

_ “Your hair looks really fluffy. Can I pet you?” _

 

_ “W- WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT!?” _

 

_ Across the room, Stan is bombarded by questions from a young girl named Wendy. Her questions consist of: _

 

_ “What’s your favorite show on Disney Channel?” _

 

_ “Do you like dark chocolate or milk chocolate?” _

 

_ “Ok, do you really think ketchup is really blood? I think it’s a lie.” _

 

_ Stan just stares at Wendy, but eventually replies with one word answers just to get her off his back. She is cute though.  _

 

_ “Hey Arnold. Milk Chocolate. I like ketchup.”  _

 

_ “What? Hey Arnold’s on Nickelodeon.” _

 

_ “Oh. I don’t really stay inside that often. I just follow my dad around the house even though he’s a dumbass.” _

 

_ “Hey who’s that guy with you?” _

 

_ “Huh? Oh, that’s Kyle.” _

 

_ “Hi Kyle! I’m Wendy.”  _

 

_ “Hi Wendy!” _

 

_ Eventually, the room settles down, but the teacher overdoses and doesn’t respond to anyone. A fat kid walks up to the front desk and reads over the plan. Wendy takes notices of this, and clears her throat. _

 

_ “Excuse me, but you can’t touch that! It’s the teachers!” _

 

_ “Ay! Only speak to me when I approach you!”  _

 

_ “Hey, don’t speak to me like that! You’re a bully!” _

 

_ “Nuh-uh, you’re a bully since you yelled at me first!” _

 

_ “What’s your name meanie, I’m gonna report you!” _

 

_ “Mah name’s Eric Cartman!” _

 

_ “Ok Eric, I’m telling the principle on you and your gonna get in trouble!” _

 

_ “No I’m not! I’m fat, that would be discwiminashun!” _

 

_ “That isn’t how discwiminashun works!”  _

 

_ “You don’t even know what discwiminashun is!” _

 

_ “You don’t either!” _

 

_ “Fine! I have an idea. If I win in a battle of musical chairs, I don't’ get reported, and if you win, you can go suck mah toe!” _

 

_ “Ew! I don’t wanna do that! How about if I win, I get to report you, but if you win, then I… Then I’ll give you a chocolate bar!” _

 

_ “Fahn! But I’ll win!” Cartman and Wendy forces everyone to rearrange the chairs and tables, but ends up not helping at all. Wendy opens the teacher’s computer to Youtube, and opens a video that the teacher already had up.  _

 

_ In the corner of the room, Craig preoccupies his time by petting Tweek’s hair. Tweek shakes in fear over Craig’s excessive petting, but decides not to move a muscle, fearing that Craig might do something to him.  _

 

_ “Your hair is so soft…”  _

 

_ “NGH GAH!!! YOU’RE SO CWEEPY!!!” Stan turns around and stares at Craig petting Tweek. Stan feels a slight shock in his insides, Craig looked so much like him. Same hair, same blue eyes, same height, yeah, they were almost carbon copies of each other.  _

 

**PRESENT DAY**

Craig’s alarm went off at 6:30 that morning. He stares at his phone, the brightness of it flashes in his eyes, and he hits the snooze button. After staring at the wall for ten minutes, Craig gets out of bed with a deep yawn and crack of a back. He catches himself in the mirror and stares at his own reflection. Same short black hair. Same blue eyes. Same six- foot five and three quarters muscular self.

 

Stan’s alarm went off at 6:30 that morning. He stares at his phone, the brightness of it flashes in his eyes, and he hits the snooze button. After staring at the wall for ten minutes, Stan gets out of bed with a deep yawn and crack of a back. He catches himself in the mirror and stares at his own reflection. Same short black hair. Same blue eyes. Same six- foot five and three quarters muscular self.

 

Stan grabs the door knob and twists it open, and walks out of his room. He looks to his left, and sees his own reflection. 

 

Craig blinks at Stan in confusion, and rubs his eyes to get rid of the fog.

 

But nope, Craig was still there in Stan’s vision. 

 

And Craig did not like seeing his lifetime rival and mortal enemy in his own house. 

 

“What the actual fuck!?”

 

“What the hell are you doing in my house!?”

 

“Your house, this is my house you idiot!”

 

“Get lost space nerd, you’re fucking high!”

 

As Stan and Craig’s argument reaches the other rooms, Tricia wakes up with a soft sigh of annoyance. 

 

“I can’t be the pretty flower like I am if Craig keeps yelling at nothing.” 

 

“SPACE PERV!”

 

“ANIMAL PERV!” Tricia gets out of bed with a slight yawn. She runs her hand through her hair and takes a sip of water she keeps by her bed. Tricia opens her door with her eyes barely open, getting ready to kick Craig’s ass. 

 

“OK you muscle head twink fucker, why are you screaming at nothing-” Tricia’s eyes flash open when she senses two sets of feet move to look at her. Stan and Craig looks down on the young teenage girl in confusion, and Tricia stares blankly at the two carbon copies of each other. A door from across the hall opens, and a man and a woman walks out in confusion.

 

“Stan, Craig, why the hell are you guys fighting this early?” Randy says, rubbing the crust out of his eyes. 

 

“Couldn’t you guys save it until morning?”

 

“You know Sharon, I knew we shouldn’t have had twins.”

 

“Randy! What the hell, you can’t just say that in front of your own sons!”

 

In front of your own sons.

 

In front of your own  _ sons. _

 

In front of your own  **_sons._ **

 

In front of your own  **_sons._ **

 

In front of your own  **_SONS._ **

 

“WHAT!?”

 

“WHAT!?”

 

“WHAT!?”

 

“Why are you guys freaking out right now? It’s also Saturday, go back to bed guys.” Tricia stares at Randy and Sharon as they walk back to their room. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and group calls someone. 

 

“Hey Ike? Yeah, it’s Tricia… I know, but put Kyle on the phone… Kyle? Yeah, it’s Tricia, Craig’s sister… No, Stan didn’t break into our house and try to murder Craig, I’ll facetime you.’ Tricia changes the camera settings so Kyle can see Stan and Craig in front of Tricia. He yawns in a very soft tone, but stops abruptly after seeing Stan and Craig in from his screen.

 

“What the hell? Is Stan cheating on me or something with his reflection?” 

 

“That’s Craig.”

 

“Stan’s cheating on me with Craig? It’s too early for this bullshit.”

 

“No, Stan isn’t cheating, but why the hell is your boyfriend somehow related to me, and is now the twin brother of  _ my brother. _ ” Kyle raises his eyebrow in confusion, and Tricia shoves Stan and Craig out of her way. “This is Stan’s room, and this is Craig’s room. That is my room, which I won’t show you because it’s  _ my  _ room. That room next to mine is Stan’s older sister’s room, who is now  _ my  _ older sister. I didn’t sign up for this bullshit.”

 

“I didn’t either!”

“I didn’t either!”

 

“Shut up! Both of you! And put on some damn clothes!”

 

“I mean he doesn’t have to…”

 

“Shut up Kyle. I can’t tell who you’re referring to since they’re practically the same person. You guys have to fix this, or else!” Stan scoffs at Tricia’s remarks, and lowers himself and smirks at his new younger sister to eye level.

 

“Or else what?” Craig holds his breath over Stan’s stupid decision to tease Tricia’s height.

 

“Uhh…” Tricia glares at Stan’s stupid face, and whips her hand to Stan’s nose and pinches it with a massive grip. Stan gasps in shock and tries to pull himself away from Tricia’s force, but only gets pulled closer to her. 

 

“LISTEN  _ brother  _ you fix this bullshit, or you’ll wake up one day with one TESTICLE! How do you think your  _ twink  _ BOYFRIEND would feel over the sight of a dick  _ fucking  _ him with one TESTICLE!”

 

“I’m still on the line.”

 

“Shut up! I  _ demand  _ that this gets fixed. I’m going back to bed, and I’ll hope that this is all a dream. And when I wake up to see that I still have two twin older brothers, no prisoners will be taken! So if the two of you aren’t out of the house by ten A.M, then you’ll wake up without a nose!”

 

“Yes Tricia.”

“Yes Tricia.”

 

“Good. And remember, I’m a pretty flower. What am I?”

 

“A pretty flower.”

“A pretty flower.”

 

“Good boys.” Tricia walks into her room for a short while, and reappears with tape. She applies the tape to the hardwood floor in a small half hexagon. “If anyone crosses this line, they are  _ DEAD  _ to me. Now go to sleep.” Tricia backs into her room with a great slam at the end. Stan and Craig stare at Tricia’s door in silence, and glares at each other. Stan shakes his head and crosses his arms.

 

“You’re not my brother.” 

 

“Shut up, we’re stuck with each other until we fix whatever you mistake you made.”

 

“Me!?”

 

“Yes you-”

 

Tricia slams open her door and glares at her brothers, and Stan and Craig quickly scurry inside of their rooms at the sight of Tricia.

 

She stares at the two closed doors with an intense glare of exasperation and shakes her head.

 

“Sometimes I think I’m the AntiChrist.” 


	2. Like a Good Neighbor, the Gang is all there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan's Gang, Craig's Gang, and Wendy's Gang meets up at Stark's Pond to discuss the current situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you like some ham?

At 8 in the morning, the twin brothers are fast asleep again after their harsh awakening. Both boys are sleeping on their left side of their body, their thick blankets covering them from South Park’s cold winter storms. But it’s what they’re dreaming warms them up most. 

 

_ Craig sits in an empty dark room naked. A hand touches Craig’s pecs and squeezes his nipples, _

_ “Craig~” a voice teases. In a blink of an eye, Tweek appears in Craig’s arms, naked, only a jockstrap covering his skin.  _

 

_ “Fuck yeah…” Craig thinks to himself with a smile.  _

 

_ Stan wakes up naked in a seperate dark empty room. He rubs his eyes to get rid of the groggy crust, and once his vision stabilizes, Stan realizes something around his neck. A dog collar, with his name written on it. Stan attempts to get up, but the collar holds him back, a chain connects the collar to a large metal pole.  _

 

_ Tweek grinds his crotch against Craig’s, and Craig soon feels intense cold chills stabbing his body, as his clothes have disappeared off his body. Tweek sucks on Craig’s tounge with hot breaths and moans.  _

 

_ Kyle appears with a smirk on his face, and walks up to Stan. The raven haired teen sits on the floor naked with eyes of wonder on his face, as Kyle walks right up to him and caresses his cheek.  _

 

_ “You’ve been a bad boy Stan, haven’t you?”  _

 

_ “K- Kyle…”  _

 

_ “Bad Stan, who said you can speak?!”  _

 

Tricia wakes up with a big smile of glee on her face, but immediately frowns at the thought of her current situation. A picture of her, Shelly, Stan and Craig all frowning only cements of thoughts.

 

“Damnit, it wasn’t a dream.” Tricia looks at her phone, and shakes her head. “It’s 8:50… I hope my  _ brothers  _ are out of the house.” Tricia throws the sheets off of her and hops out of bed. At Craig’s door, Tricia closes her eyes and sighs deeply, “I  _ really  _ hope Craig isn’t jerking off…” Tricia places her hand on the doorknob, and she twists it. Tricia peeks through the crack, and stares at a very red Craig, who has a smile of stupidity plastered on.

 

“Ahh… Tweekers… Ahh…” Tricia glares at Craig’s unconscious body, and slowly closes the door behind her. She walks over to Stan’s room, and slowly creaks it open,

 

“Mmm… Punish me Kyle…” Tricia closes Stan’s door, and stares at the wall with a blank expression. 

 

“Why… Why did I even bother?” 

 

After taking an hour to getting dressed, Tricia grabs her two bluetooth speakers, and connects them to her phone. She places one speaker next to Craig’s right ear, and another speaker next to Stan’s left ear. 

 

… 

 

… 

 

… 

 

**“CAUSE I KNOW I’M A SINNER, BUT I CAN BE A SAINT IN YOUR HEAD!!! NO I DON’T GOT RELIGION, BUT I’LL TIP MY HAT TO THE DEAD!!! NO YOU’RE NOT A SEASON, SET TO LEAVE ME IN THE COLD!!! STILL I CAUGHT A SICKNESS, THAT TIME YOU SAID I WAS, SAID I WAS YOURS!!!”**

 

“AH FUCK!!!”

“AH FUCK!!!” 

 

“YOU HAVE ABOUT FORTY MINUTES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!”

 

“FUCK YOU TRICIA!!!”

“FUCK YOU TRICIA!!!”

 

“TELL IT TO YOUR REFLECTION!!! AND LOCK YOUR DOOR BEFORE YOU MASTURBATE IN YOUR DREAMS!!!”

 

Craig pulls the sheets off of his body and stomps his way to the bathroom to shower with his towel in hand. 

 

Stan pulls the sheets off of his body and stomps his way to the bathroom to shower with his towel in hand. 

 

“I’m showering first.” 

“I’m showering first.”

 

“What? Fuck no, you’ll take forever.”

“What? Fuck no, you’ll take forever.”

 

“Stop repeating what I’m saying.”

“Stop repeating what I’m saying.” 

 

“Stop it!”

“Stop it!”

 

“There’s two bathrooms here idiots! I’ve only lived here for a day and I know more about this place than you  _ Stan. _ ”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Myeh, my name’s Stan and I like acting like a dog when I have sex- hurry up and get the fuck out of here!” Stan’s face heats up fiery red, and drops his towel, along with his mouth. Craig covers his face with his towel to suppress his laughter, but does not realize the onslaught that Tricia’s building up.

 

“Myeh, my name’s Craig and I like being tied up and submissive- JUST FUCKING SHOWER AND LEAVE GOD DAMN IT!!!” (A/N: This story is actually about Tricia’s acceptance over her new life lol jk). “THERE’S TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE IN THIS HOUSE!!! AGH!!!” 

 

After thirty minutes of showering and getting read, both boys are forced to sit outside as Tricia and her friends hang out inside the house. Both boys sit in silence, scrolling through their new group chat dedicated to figuring out this hot mess. 

 

_ Tupperware: We’re all meeting at Stark’s Pond guys! _

 

_ Mosquito: Why what’s going on? _

 

_ Human Kite: Stan and Craig are brothers now for some reason. _

 

_ Human Kite: I also invited Wendy and her gang, they’re the only ones besides us who actually knows that they aren’t brothers.  _

 

_ Wonder Tweek: AGH!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!? _

 

_ Coon: It’s because of you Tweek! This is all your fault! _

 

_ Wonder Tweek: FUCK YOU! _

 

Stan and Craig glance at each other, but immediately look away.

 

“Well…” Craig sighs, “We’d better start walking.”

 

“Yup.” 

 

“...”

 

“...” 

 

As they walk, both raven haired boys think the exact same thing:

 

“He doesn’t look like me at all.”

“He doesn’t look like me at all.”

 

At Stark’s Pond, everyone waits in silence. A thermos of hot chocolate in everyone’s hand, and a light chatter fills the air. Clyde drinks his hot chocolate with one gulp, but burns his tongue in the process. 

 

“Waah! Token I burnt my tongue!” Cartman shakes his head with an eye roll, and looks to Token,

 

“How the fuck do you deal with his ass all day?”

 

“Shut up Cartman.” Token says, pulling Clyde close for a hug.

 

“Well fuck you Token.” Bebe relaxes against a tree behind her as she sips her hot chocolate,

 

“You know, this is nice! We should all do this more often!” Butters agrees with Bebe with a nod, and the two blondes toast their thermoses in utter relaxation. 

 

Clyde rubs the tears from his eyes, and takes notice of Stan and Craig walking towards them.

 

“AHH THERE’S TWO CRAIG’S!!!” Nearly everyone in the group panics for a moment, but remembers Stan’s existence. 

 

“Fuck you Clyde.”

 

“Hey guys.” Stan says. Kenny and Stan bro hug, and the raven haired dog lover walks towards Kyle, and places a kiss to his lips. “Kyle~-”

 

“What the fuck is going on Stan?” Stan steps back in Kyle’s directiveness, and looks down on his short boyfriend.

 

“I don’t know. Craig and I literally just woke up early this morning at the same time, and well, now we’re… Brothers.” Stan gags at the sound of reality, and takes a thermos Token hands him and sips on the hot chocolate. Craig groans in exasperation, and clears his throat, 

 

“Ok, now that we’re all here, whoever the fuck did this step forward now and I promise I won’t kill you.” No one says anything, nor does anyone take a step forward. Craig sends death threats with his glares to everyone, except Tweek, but no one says anything. 

 

“WHY DO YOU SUDDENLY HAVE A BROTHER NOW!?” Tweek yells, breaking the silence, “WHAT’S GOING ON!? AM I GONNA WAKE UP TOMORROW AND BECOME WENDY’S SON!?” Wendy raises her eyebrow at Tweek’s prediction, and shakes her head,

 

“Ok, that’s not fucking happening.” 

 

“GAH!!!” Craig runs his hands through Tweek’s hair, and pulls him close for a hug, 

 

“There, there Tweek, everything’s gonna be alright… CUZ YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITH STAN FUCKING MARSH!”

 

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME-” Kenny walks in front of Stan and Craig with his hands out in front of their faces, 

 

“Ok, ok, both of you need to calm the fuck down.” 

 

“No.”

“No.”

 

“Stan!”

“Craig!” Their boyfriends yell,

 

“Fine.”

“Fine.” Kenny sighs in relief, the potential outbursts have been prevented. 

 

“Ok, now that’s settled, does anyone remember anything from yesterday?” Everyone stays silent, “Ok, because I don’t either.” Craig glares at Kenny with frustration written on his face,

 

“That’s not fucking helpful.” Nichole goes through her phone, jabbing her screen with intense determination. Red looks up to see what Nichole’s doing, and she takes note of this,

 

“I’m deleting my fanfiction!” Red raises her eyebrow in question, and Nichole shakes her head, “I don’t ship incest!” Stan and Craig stare blankly at Nichole, questioning why did the fangirl ship the two together. “Anyways, fangirling aside, I wrote some notes down from yesterday. Here: Six thirty AM, I text Bebe that I need the math homework- ok, fast forwarding to school on friday… Got it! Twelve PM, Stan and Craig glare at each other as they walk through the A wing. Twelve fifteen PM, Kenny makes out with Butters in the second floor bathroom in C wing. Twelve sixteen, Craig and Heidi completes science project-” 

 

“Ok, ok,” Kenny cuts her off, “is there anything useful we can use?”

 

“Ok wait, what’s today?” Everyone checks their phones, but Jimmy responds the fastest,

 

“The tw- tw- twenty fourth of March.”

 

“Ok, but why is my last entry on October of 2017?” Red raises eyebrow in question, and snatches Nichole’s phone from her hand,

 

“What? That’s not right, you type in your notepad everyday.”

 

“I know! Setting aside my potential to be a private detective, let’s go back to the fact that no one remembers anything from yesterday! My parents even made up some bullshit about how I went on a jog yesterday when I obviously do not exercise.” Cartman gasps in remembrance of something, and Wendy turns to her boyfriend in worry,

 

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

 

“Wait, mah mom asked me how was my jog yesterday also. I don’t fucking work out! And then she asked me how was my day with Kyahl.”

 

“What? I fucking hate you. But isn’t your mom just a dumbass?”

 

“Mah mom is a dumbass, fuck you Kyahl.” 

 

“Wait,” Bebe says, “my parents asked me how was my day with Clyde. I fucking hate being around Clyde!”

 

“Fuck you.” Bebe winks at her ex-boytoy, and proceeds to go through her phone,

 

“Yeah, anyways, looking at Facebook… Yeah, the goths are friends with the preps, Garrison is a teacher again, Dogpoo is now clean for some reason, yeah, everyone’s the complete opposite from what they were!” Craig stares blankly at Bebe, and glances back at people walking about Starks Pond. No one goes to Starks Pond in general. “Is everyone just screwing with us?”

 

“Well first off no one really likes any of us to begin with. And everyone here hates at least one person in this circle.”

 

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

 

“What!? It’s the truth assholes! Don’t fucking pretend that we’re all saints.”

 

“Well I like to think that I’m the better person out of all of you guys.”

 

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

“Fuck you Cartman!”

 

“Well fuck you guys too!” 

 

“Our own personal bullshit aside,” Kyle says, “let’s go over the facts: No one is the same person from before, Nichole’s entries are off, no one remembers anything from yesterday, and Stan and Craig are now brothers. What the fuck is going on? We don’t even know where to start!” Heidi taps her chin in thought, and sighs in defeat.

 

“I think the only thing we can do is just wait for something to happen.” Cartman rolls his eyes and gives the ‘bitch please’ look to Heidi. She takes notice, and scoffs, “Well it’s the only thing we can do! Ok look, let’s go up to our parents and ask if they remember what we did yesterday. If we can find any clues to why this is happening, it would probably lie with the people we see most often. Wait, Kenny, Kyle, Craig, does your siblings remember anything?” Kyle crosses his arms and purses his lips,

 

“Ike remembers that Stan and Craig aren’t really brothers. Tricia called us early in the morning after Stan and Craig’s incident.” Craig nods in agreement, and jumps off where Kyle left off, recalling the early morning incident. Kenny agrees with Craig, saying that Karen texted him in question as she went inside Tricia’s house to hang out with her this morning. 

 

“Yeah,” Stan says, “but Shelly doesn’t remember anything, she thinks Craig and Tricia are her real siblings.” Heidi nods in approval, and brings her hands together,

 

“Ok, ok, that’s good! That means only people closest to us either in physical proximity, or personal relationships, actually remembers. Red, can you text your parents and ask them who is your cousin?” 

 

“I did this morning. I’m still related to Craig and Tricia, but now I’m related to Stan and Shelly. Damnit, I have to buy two birthday presents now that you guys are twins now.” Everyone else groans at the thought of buying two birthday presents for two people for one day, and Stan and Craig cringes at the thought of sharing birthdays with their mortal enemy. 

 

“Wait,” Craig says, “someone check the school database if our birthday is on January 25 or October 19.” Wendy takes a few taps to her phone, and reviews her findings,

 

“January 25!” Craig’s evil grin is caught by Stan, who is now upset over the change in his birthday. After a quick bicker by Stan and Craig, everyone agrees on Heidi’s plan to talk to their parents, and everyone sets off in their own gangs. 

 

But one thought still looms over Craig, and that very thought sends pierces inside of him. 

 

What happened to his real parents? 


	3. Bah Dah Bah Bah Bah, I'm Stabbin' it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There can't be two of the same person in one area at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say that Tiffany made me do it.

Chapter 3

 

In his warm sheeted sanctuary, Craig cuddles with Tweek in his room as Red Racer plays in the background. Tweek is almost fully covered by both Craig’s body and blanket, as the small blonde nuzzles in his boyfriend’s chest. 

 

“Aah… This is weird.” Craig looks down at Tweek’s face, and runs his hands through his wild hair in comfort,

 

“What’s wrong Tweekers?”

 

“I’m in Stan’s house. I haven’t been in here since I was a kid.” 

 

“It’s alright Tweekers, this is still my room.”

 

As Craig relaxes in the silence of the situation, Randy slams the door with a wild grin on his face, and takes a good look at Craig, 

 

“Craig… Leave the door open next time!”

 

“Fuck off… Dad.” 

 

“UseprotectionbesafeandgentleokbyeI’mofftowork!” Tweek lets out a high pitched laugh in amusement as Craig’s groan echoes throughout the room.

 

“At least something’s still the same!”

 

“Fuck this bullshit. I just want to cuddle with you~.” 

 

In his warm sanctuary, Stan nuzzles his head into Kyle’s thick curly hair in complete bliss and comfort in cuddling. 

 

“Stan! Stan let go of me, we have to do homework!”

 

“Mmm… No we don’t.”

 

“Stan! Goddamnit! Let go of me!”

 

“Or else what? You’ll punish me?” Kyle points to his backpack at a silver chain hanging out of a pocket, and glares at his boyfriend. 

 

“Yes, I’ll  _ punish  _ you, now get the fuck off of me!”

 

Randy slams the door with a wild grin on his face, and takes a good look at Stan’s face.

 

“Stan… Leave the door open next time!” 

 

“Fuck off.” 

 

“Ahh, the joyous experience of having twins. I remember when you and your brother were just a little kid…” 

 

_ Craig holds his lunchbox with both of his hands in front of him, jittery with extreme nerves. He stares at all the other kids in fear and shyness, not willing to move a muscle, only choosing to stay put near the door for an easy escape if worst comes to worst.  _

 

Stan raises an eyebrow at his dad in confusion, and Kyle shifts his eyes to his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s dad. 

 

“Uhh… Mr. Marsh, that’s not how it went.” 

 

“Yeah dad, I was the nervous one.” Randy stares at Stan and Kyle. His face is deadpan, more so than Craig’s on a usual basis. But a smile is quickly plastered on and Randy’s face brightens. 

 

“Haha, you’re getting old Stan, that’s not how it went! And I remember Bebe flirting with Craig, and him just brushing her off like she was just some fly. Even as a kid, Craig was sooo gay. Anyways, I’m off! See you at dinner! And Kyle, can I expect you too?”

 

“Sorry, I’m eating dinner with my family.” 

 

“But we’re all family! Since you and Stan are practically married. Hmm… That means Craig and Tweek are married… Ugh, that means that the Tweaks are our in laws… Well, enough dark thinking for the moment. Well, see you guys later!” Randy leaves the house with the twins and their boyfriends left in their rooms. Craig and Tweek walk into Stan’s room without knocking, and stares at Stan in question. 

 

“That didn’t fucking happen.” Craig says,

 

“Yeah dude, I remember.” Tweek’s phone goes off, and he silences it with a tap of a button.

 

“I tried talking to my parents, they basically said the exact same thing that Stan’s dad- uh, your guys’s dad said.” Kyle jabs Stan in the abdomen with his fingers in a specific spot where Stan’s ticklish. The raven haired jock lets out a short gasp in surprise, and Kyle slips through Stan’s arms. 

 

“Anyways,” Kyle says, “the girls did some stalking, and it looks like Craig’s real parents still live in Colorado, just in Denver.” 

 

“Wait,” Craig sighs, “so basically, you’re telling me that my real parents are somehow rich enough to live in the city now that they didn’t have me or Tricia?” Tweek and Kyle look at each other in awkward silence, and before Stan can say something offensive, Kyle jabs him in the abdomen again. “Well that sucks. I still can’t believe that your dad actually copied me.” Stan sits up and raises his eyebrow at Craig,

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Sooooooooooo.”

 

“Oh. Well fuck you.”

 

“Fuck you too!” 

 

“Holy shit!”

“Holy shit!” Their boyfriends yell. Tweek rolls his eyes and looks up at his boyfriend,

 

“You two really can’t go one day without yelling at each other.”

 

“It’s not my fault he’s so infuriating!” 

 

“Suck it up Craig, you guys live with each other now. Anyways, we’re all meeting at Stark’s Pond again. You guys have to bring marshmallows also.” 

 

“Why?”

“Why?”

 

“Because Clyde texted me and asked for it. And do you want to deal with hurricane Token over the potential fact of his boyfriend crying over marshmallows?” It’s true, Token can baby Clyde too often, despite the fact that he’s scolding his chubby boyfriend nearly everyday. Craig shivers at the annoying thought of Token’s unnecessary babying he gives his boyfriend, but it’s better than the thought of his daddy kink.

 

“Token’s kink aside, let’s just go now.” Stan throws his blanket aside, revealing an almost naked body underneath the sheets. Tweek takes notice of this, and lifts Craig’s shirt up in astonishment. 

 

“Holy shit! You guys have the same body!”

 

“Shut up!”

“Shut up!” 

 

After a brief but awkward walk to the pond again, the twins and their boyfriends meet up the rest of the gang with three large bags of mini marshmallows. Clyde grins, and after thanking the four boys, grabs all the marshmallows and proceeds to stuff as many of them in his thermos of hot chocolate. Craig, Tweek, Stan, and Kyle are handed thermoses of hot chocolate from Token. Bebe takes a sip from her hot chocolate and wipes off the excess liquid with a napkin,

 

“I’m telling you guys, we NEED to do this everyday, it’s so relaxing!” Everyone nods in agreement with a smile, “Ok, hot chocolate over alcohol everyday aside, sweet cheeks, did you tell Craig the news about his parents?” Kyle shakes his head over Bebe’s constant objectifying of his buttocks, but nods his head. “Perfect! Anyways, I spoke to my parents like we all agreed to-”

 

“Except Cartman probably didn’t do it because he flakes on everything.” Heidi gives a long, loud sip of her hot chocolate, and stares at Cartman, who glares at his ex-girlfriend. 

 

“Well fuck you bitch! I’m dating your friend, what are you gonna do about that?!”

 

“I’m not gonna do anything cuz I’m a good friend!” Wendy lets out a playful laugh in amusement, no longer caring about the awkwardness about dating her friend’s ex, despite that being rule one in girl code. 

 

“Excuse me!” Bebe scoffs, “As I was saying after I was rudely cut off, my parents really don’t remember anything.” Everyone else adds on their stories, but the ending turns out the same: everyone’s acting weird and it’s extremely uncomfortable. Clyde downs the first bag of marshmallows and gulps some hot chocolate down with it, which turns into a loud burp. Everyone groans at Clyde’s disgusting tendencies, but Token shakes his head, and begins to scold his boyfriend. Kyle takes out his phone, and pulls up his notes app. 

 

“Ok, so basically we know nothing from our parents, we remember nothing from two days ago. So we still know nothing!” Cartman pulls a bag of Doritos out of thin air, and proceeds to munch on them with his mouth open,

 

“Gee Kyahl, way to be helpful.”

 

“Shut up fat ass! And chew with your mouth closed! Wendy!”

 

“Honestly, I really don’t give a shit anymore, I’m kind of just going with the flow! If he wants to be disgusting, then we should just let him!” Everyone stares at the perfectionistic girl in surprise, even Cartman drops his chips in shock. 

 

“What?” Kyle says. 

 

“Girl,” Bebe walks to Wendy and waves a hand in front of her face, “what is going on with you?”

 

“Yeah Wendy,” Red says, “yesterday you were bitching about how gross Cartman is, and now you’re saying we should let him act like this?”

 

“Babe,” Cartman walks up to Wendy with his fingers still coated with Doritos, “what the fuck?” Cartman smears the nacho cheese chips across Wendy’s forehead, leaving a mark across her face. 

 

“What’s wrong sweety?” Wendy smiles, “Is everything ok?” Red pulls out a butterfly knife from her boot, leaving everyone to take a step back in horror. Nichole covers her mouth, and stares at Red, 

 

“What the fuck!? I mean I’m not surprised because you’re insane, but what the fuck!?”

 

“R- R- Red,” Jimmy says in a calm tone, “just put the knife down,” 

 

“What’s going on Red?” Wendy asks with a smile still plastered on her face, “Is something on my face?” Clyde screams in terror and hides behind Token, while Stan and Cartman jump in front of Wendy.

 

“Red!” Stan yells, “What the fuck!?” 

 

“That’s not Wendy!” Red yells, “Look at her hairline, it’s off!” Craig sprints to Red’s side and rams her to the frosty ground, 

 

“What the fuck!?”

 

“That’s not Wendy! Get away from her guys!” Butters runs towards Craig and Red, and grabs the knife out of her hands, but runs towards Kenny’s side next to Heidi and Bebe.

 

“You’re insane!” Craig holds his cousin down by her arms, “Who the fuck carries a butterfly knife in their boot!? It’s not even legal to own one!”

 

“Oh my gosh, we had this conversation yesterday, none of us are Saints! Cartman-” footsteps are heard from the twins and their boyfriends entered, and everyone turns their head to see Wendy staring at herself in confusion.

 

“What. The. Fuck. First off, no one obviously saw my text saying that I was gonna be late.” 

 

“Howdy Wendy!” ‘Wendy’ says, “How’s it going?” Kenny takes a step back, and takes the knife from Butters, 

 

“What the fuck, why the hell do you sound like Buttercup!?” ‘Wendy’ turns to Kenny, and smiles at him, her cheeks stretching all the way to the back of her face. Her teeth and gums are exposed, and all of her skin soon pulls itself back, leaving only the muscle behind. A new set of skin and hair is formed, and ‘Wendy’ now appears to be an exact replica of Butters. 

 

“Aw Ken, you shouldn’t have bought me anything for our anniversary!” Kenny drops the Butterfly knife to the snow in shock, but ‘Butters’ lunges towards the ground for the knife, almost resembling a quick inhumane shadow. Nichole screams in terror and throws her phone at ‘Butters’s’ head, leaving the being stunned for a split second. Red pushes Craig off of her and points to the being, and Craig, Bebe, Heidi and Kyle all leap to pull ‘Butters’ down. Jimmy walks to the being as fast as he could and slams his crutches down at the now screeching creature. Stan frantically looks around the area, immediately noticing multiple copies of multiple people walking towards the group like zombies. The creature tries to push everyone off of it, but to no avail. Craig, despite being the strongest one out of the five, struggles to keep it from moving as it flails endlessly on the ground. 

 

“Someone fucking kill it!” Cartman remembers the butterfly knife, and proceeds to spring towards it, but trips on his untied shoelaces. 

 

“Cartman dammit!” Kyle yells. Token takes this opportunity to grab the knife from Kenny’s feet. 

 

“Kill it!” Heidi yells. Token rams the knife against the temple of the creature, but nothing happens, as blood slowly drips off it’s forehead like paint. Kenny gasps in shock at the site of ‘Butters’ getting stabbed, but is brought back to reality by the real Butters. Clyde frantically looks around the area for something to attack the creature with, but fails to find something useful. After running around in circles, he ends up tripping and spilling his hot chocolate all over the creatures head. 

 

“SQREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” The creature bubbles at the contact of the hot drink, reacting to it like acid. Tweek takes this opportunity to do the same thing, and pours all twenty ounces of his hot chocolate on the creatures head, leaving nothing behind but the echoes of the creature’s screams. All Wendy could do was stare at the creature’s body that once resembled hers, but is soon brought back at the sight of multiple beings resembling Kyle’s mom walking towards them. Stan immediately splashes his hot chocolate at ‘Sheila’s’ face, and she meets the same fate as ‘Butters’. 

 

“Fuck! Dude, we’re surrounded!” Everyone backs away from the multiple copies of Sheila Broflovski, but Kenny notices a gap between two of them, and points to it,

 

“This way guys!” Everyone follows Kenny in a sprint, Cartman pushing one of the Sheila’s away from them in the process. 

 

As the gang runs, it soon becomes apparent that the rest of the South Park citizens are following them as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate it? Like it? Review it!


	4. Your Ticked to a Better Night STAB

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They wake up to a nice surprise.

A new fresh sleet of snow covers South Park from a harsh storm last night. The sun rises at six AM that morning, covering the snow in a shimmering wonderland of bright reflections. The birds are chirping their morning songs, and the Tweaks are roasting their first brew of coffee. Yes, it is a peaceful morning today in South Park. 

 

“AHHH!!!” Stan’s eyes jolt open, his body covered in a shiny layer of sweat and his throat and lips dry from constant shifting and sweating in his sleep. He runs his hands through his short hair, collecting any beads of sweat along the way. “Fuck… It was all a dream… Thank fucking god.” Yes, Wendy transforming into a monstrous creature was all a dream this whole time. As Stan smiles in relief, Tricia slams Stan’s door open with twist of the knob and a kick from her leg.

 

“Why?” She sighs, rubbing her eyes of crust and filth, “It. Is. Six in the morning. I don’t care if your boytoy tied you up and rode your dick that you orgasmed so much in your dream that you woke up, or if you were being stabbed to death by your rival-now-brother. I. Don’t. Care. GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!” 

 

Craig’s eyes slowly peel open from the sound of Tricia slamming doors. “Great,” he says to himself, “everyone’s up and ready to kill each other, what a surprise.” 

 

At nine in the morning, Tricia kicks Stan and Craig out of the house again so her friends can hang out. They look at each other in confusion over what to do, but both boys ultimately part ways to hang out with their clique. 

 

Craig walks over to Token’s house and arrives at Nine Thirty in the morning. As much as he wants to despise the serene environment around him, Craig can’t help but smile, but on the inside, over how beautiful South Park is today. The sun shining high in the sky, morning dew wafting itself through the air, yes, everything is perfect today in South Park. 

 

“Hmm…” Craig thinks to himself, “It doesn’t even smell like radiation poison or whatever it typically smells like.” And the pile of dog shit that is typically on the side of the road, the one that never decomposes, the one that Craig passes by everyday, it isn’t even there anymore, it’s cleaned up. 

 

Craig halts his steps abruptly, everything’s too perfect, like gentrified suburbia. Granted, South Park is now fully gentrified, but it’s still South Park, not some upper-middle class bullshit in California. He turns around, Craig’s eyes observe everything there is to the area. 

 

No one’s following him, no one is around him, all cars are parked in every driveway, and the trash is taken out. He hasn’t even arrived in the rich area of South Park, Token’s neighborhood, but everything seems too perfect. 

 

“I feel like I should’ve listened to Red about carrying an illegal butterfly knife around with me.” 

 

At the front steps of Token’s house, Craig knocks on the door… 

 

But no answer. 

 

He knocks on the door again,

 

Then three times,

 

To four times, 

 

And a fifth time for good measure. 

 

“What the fuck?” Craig thinks, “Token always answers the door after the fifth knock.” So he takes out his phone to call his rich friend.

 

Dialing once…

 

Twice… 

 

All the way up to five times. 

 

“What the actual fuck Token…” Craig walks to the side of the house towards the yellow gate protecting the backyard, and places his boot on one bar and his other boot on the other one. Grabbing both bars with his hands, Craig climbs the gates to the top, and after minding the potentially impaling points at the end of the gate, gets over to the other side. 

 

Token’s bedroom is at the far right corner of the house, his posters of various bands, movies, and flat screen television makes it easy to spot from the outside. 

 

“TOKEN!!!” Craig yells. But no answer. Craig observes the ivy wall growing alongside the structure, and gives it a pull. It looks sturdy. “I hope I don’t die today.” 

 

After struggling to climb the ivy wall and almost dying, Craig reaches the railings of Token’s window, and hooks his hand on the bars and releases his grip from the ivy wall. Craig pulls himself up on the railings and stands in front of the glass window. 

 

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

 

“Token! I swear to fucking god, I climbed an ivy wall and hopped a ten foot fence for your ass.” Craig peers through the window blinds, and through the darkness of Token’s room, sees two massive human sized lumps in his bed. “Token, Clyde, get your asses out of bed and open the damn door!” After staring at the lumps, he immediately realizes one of the lumps is shifting underneath the sheets. After observing the motions for five minutes, Craig comes to the conclusion that Token and Clyde are fucking. “You guys are gross, you didn’t even close the blinds.” But still no answer. Craig heats up in anger, but calms himself down with a big inhalation of air. “TOKEN! OPEN THE DOOR!” Only a small shift in movement from underneath the sheets is as much of a response Craig gets. “I’M KICKING THE DOOR OPEN!” Craig leans his back against the balcony railings and holds himself up, and with his big black boots, rams his feet against the door, shattering the glass door into millions of tiny shards. “Sorry, I’ll pay for it!” Craig shakes his head over his sarcasm, and walks into his friend’s room. He glares at the bed, glaring at the two human sized lumps. “Wake. The. Fuck. UP!” Craig removes the covers, “WAKE UP!” He screams a second time. Craig’s eyes reflects his initial anger towards everything in life, but his expression quickly changes as fast as it takes Tweek to finish a twenty ounce cup of coffee. 

 

With his knees on the bed kneeling towards Clyde, Token looks up at Craig. The token rich friend’s face is bloody, with guts, bones and organs hanging from his mouth. He looks like a dog getting caught in an act. Craig bites his tongue to prevent himself from screaming, the image of Clyde’s body on the bed with his stomach savagely ripped open like a thin sheet of fabric rubbed against rouch gravel. Token stares at Craig innocently, and reaches inside Clyde’s body, ripping his heart out with a loud snap. He brings it to his mouth, and takes a giant chomp from the organ, blood dripping all over the sheets and Token’s body. 

 

“W-W-W-WHAT THE FUCK!?” Craig takes a step back in horror over this perverted image. Token throws the half eaten heart at Craig, who just manages to dodge it with a jump to the side. The heart splatters against the wall, leaving an odd blood stain on the once pristine wall. Token crawls off the bed like a sly cat, and Craig slowly backs to the door in fear. His heart races and his feet trembles to the beat of Token’s movements. Craig halts his movement once his back against the door, and Token scowls at Craig like his next meal. After a stare down showdown that lasted the next millennium, Craig unlocks the door. “Token-” His now animal-like friend pounces at Craig like a panther, making some inhuman growl, like the ones you hear in movies, the ones that demons and supernatural creatures make. With his hand still latched onto the doorknob, Craig jumps to the right as Token misses his prey, and hits the second floor railings, nearly breaking them and falling off. Craig slams the door shut and locks it, placing a small dresser against the door. He starts breathing harder and harder, Clyde’s corpse making the room smell rancid, Craig’s own sweat not making the situation any better. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” Ignoring Clyde’s corpse, Craig sprints to the now broken glass door, and jumps off the balcony, latching onto the ivy wall and slides down it, ignoring the tiny scrapes from the leaves on his hand. Even from outside with his own gasps of air filling up his ears, Craig can still hear Token clawing at the door. He can’t even imagine how bloody Token’s bare hands are as he  claws at the wooden door.

 

After hopping the fence a second time, Craig sprints as far away as his legs can take him, just as long as Token doesn’t catch up to him. 

 

… 

 

… 

 

… 

 

“AHH!!!” Craig’s eyes bolt open. His body shimmers with sweat as his lamp shines upon him. He frantically looks around his room, and jumps off his bed towards his window. 

 

Trash is on the pavement underneath

 

grey heavens and dead like a cemetary with

 

mindless zombies on their devices

 

From a company that supports people’s rights

 

But will not hesitate to take away the homes from others. 

 

Stan grabs his phone, and quickly jabs his I.C.E 

 

“Token!”

 

“What’s up Craig?”

 

“Kenny what the hell ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?”

 

“Stan dude you sound drunk and impaired what’s going on?”

 

“ARE YOU STILL ALIVE TOKEN!?”

 

“I mean I haven’t died in a while if that’s what your asking.”

 

“Dude I know I’m an asshole but are you still alive!?”

 

“Craig woah calm down! What the hell is going on!?”

 

“I- I had this dream-”

 

“I went to your house-”

 

“And your front door was locked-”

 

“So I snuck around the back-”

 

“And kicked your-

 

Door-”

Window-”

 

“-open and I tried calling your name-”

 

“-and I thought you and Clyde were fucking,” 

 

“-so I called you and Butters out,”

 

“-and no one answered so I thought you guys were just really into it,”

 

“So I kicked the-”

 

Door-”

Window-”

 

“-open and I called out your names but you weren’t answering-”

 

“-so I pulled the covers off and-”

 

-you were hunched over Butters and you had guts spilling out of your mouth and th- th- there was so much blood-”

-you were hunched over Clyde and you had guts spilling out of your mouth and th- th- there was so much blood-”

 

“Dude what the fuck?”

“Dude what the fuck?” 

 

“A-a-and I don’t know what to do anymore I think I’m going insane!”

“A-a-and I don’t know what to do anymore I think I’m going insane!” 

  
  



End file.
